The Man of Double Deed

by Anonymous

There was a man of double deed,
Who sowed his garden full of seed;

When the seed began to grow,
‘Twas like a garden full of snow;

When the snow began to melt,
‘Twas like a ship without a belt;

When the ship began to sail,
‘Twas like a bird without a tail;

When the bird began to fly,
‘Twas like an eagle in the sky;

When the sky began to roar,
‘Twas like a lion at my door;

When my door began to crack,
‘Twas like a stick across my back;

When my back began to smart,
‘Twas like a penknife in my heart;

And when my heart began to bleed,
‘Twas death, and death, and death indeed.

Roller Coaster

Let’s just say… it has been a very interesting two plus years.

I’d love to say all has been great. It has not. I have struggled. I’ve more than struggled. I’ve wrestled demons stronger than I and I have not come out unscathed. I’ve been standing on the edge of a cliff and this man has held me back from stepping over it. He does not know that he has kept me tethered here. He has paid dearly for my struggle even though the fault does not lie with him. He has paid for someone else’s mistakes. Anyone else would have walked away. Others certainly have. I have lost the best part of him. I have changed him most likely forever.

Even though I have kept on top of my medication I have been declining. About four weeks ago I decided that electroconvulsive therapy might be for me. But while researching this drastic therapy I came across TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and decided to give it a try.

TMS is not covered by my insurance however the local TMS center I have been working with has approved me for treatment based on my income. I am ecstatic.

Treatment is five days a week for six weeks straight. Then twice a week for 2 weeks. I began treatment two weeks ago. It is not taking the easy way out. For me this is drastic. It isn’t easy on my body. Even though the treatment itself takes 3-4 minutes it hurts. I feel tired and my brain is foggy for several hours after the treatment.

I believe, however, that I am seeing results. I am slowly gaining interest in the things I used to love. Like writing and painting. I had lost interest in all things and people. I am slowly gaining it back.

I am hoping to eventually stop the medication I am on. Its side effects are not fun.

So today… for the first time in over two years… I am fairly happy. I can see glimpses of my old self. And her… I like.

It’s a Beautiful Day

I don’t remember what the world looked like before this darkness settled over me. It has made its home inside my head and I cannot evict it.

It is a gorgeous day.  My children are here… yet all I have done is  watch the clock to take them to their father’s so I can consider my options.

I will once again open up my bottle of pills… I will count them. I will calculate how many it takes… then I will contemplate taking them.

It’s barely 1 pm and I am getting sleepy. I know this is my brain’s way of shutting me down when I am about to do something drastic.

The problem is it will happen again.

… and again, and again… until one day it will finally end.

I am exhausted.


Every day I come home and I cry
Against silence I dare not sigh
The fire within me has died
My worth no longer justified

Every day I come home and I cry
As if stars have come down from the sky
Within myself I found a good place to hide
My worth no longer justified

Every day I come home and I cry
My thoughts are screaming to defy
I wish it was safe to confide
My worth no longer justified

Every day I come home and I cry
Frozen in time I can’t even try
The emptiness tears me apart
And spills the rain inside my heart

© Copyright 2020 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Locked Away


You came to me during dark skies
Most likely deafened by my cries.
I looked at you through stormy eyes
You did your best to help me rise.

You listened and you gave advice
Without expecting any price.
There was however sacrifice
Something I didn’t think of twice.

I pulled you in unwittingly,
And you gave in so willingly;
Thinking your heart could happily
Save me from my reality.

The darkness that surrounded me,
Locked in on you when you were free;
It embraced you with such glee
That you had no time to flee.

We’re both sitting here in darkness
Cold and lost, inches from madness.
I can only watch with sadness,
How it turns you cruel and heartless.

Little did I realize
That my darkness justifies
All the ugly little lies
That are falling from my eyes.

And as I try to set you free
I finally begin to see,
That I alone still hold the key…
I locked away the best of me.

© Copyright 2020 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.


Before I fall asleep tonight
I’ll pray anew with all my might
Please take my heart and hold it tight
Don’t turn the shadows into light.

Squeeze tighter with each breath I take
I won’t mind the delay or shake
Yet if you see my eyes awake
Squeezer harder ‘til you feel it break.

Before I fall asleep tonight
I’ll pray again with all my might
My soul to take an endless flight…
When chained to hell, there is no light.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Walking Away

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The day she’ll walk into your life
I’ll feel the striking of the knife;
You will no longer want me here
There’ll be no need for me so near.

The day I’ll see her in your arms
My spirit will not bear harms,
For it will splinter up and break
With every breath that I will take.

The day I’ll walk away from you
A hundred blades will cut me through.
And as I turn then will I pray
For strength to keep looking away.

The day that I will say goodbye
Will be the day my heart will die.
I’ll walk away and won’t return
For you and I, I’ll always mourn.

The silent smile on my face
Will hide the pain I can’t erase,
Pain, agonizing and unbending
Just know that I will be pretending.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Letting Go

You’ve become a stranger brought forth
Whose silence makes me question my worth,
I deserve your disdain and questioning ways
The pain that I caused governs all of my days.

I ask myself every day to stop trying,
But the thought makes it feel like I’m dying.
I reach for your hand as the end rushes near
To find nothing but air, now it’s perfectly clear.

I don’t want to give up, walk away and forget
But I’m trying to breathe through all the regret.
I re-read how it was and the love that I felt
Now making the best of the hand that I’ve dealt.

I have to let go or I’ll drown in this grief;
This enveloping sorrow I hope will be brief
I’ll smile and lie and say ‘I’m alright”
Hoping the tears will stop if I keep it inside.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.


I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m just tired of the fight,
And no longer know what’s right.

Should I stay or should I go
I cannot tell, nor do I know.
‘Accept it and just ride the flow’
It’s not an option… it’s a blow.

In the end I might be running
But I hope I may be learning,
That some flames will not be burning
No matter how strong the yearning.

I’ll be crushed then I’ll be set
You’ll be my greatest regret.
My only hope is to forget
The day we so easily met.

I tell myself to stay and try
To not give in and say goodbye.
The target though was set so high
That it seem like it’s a lie.

I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m so tired of the fight,
I no longer know what’s right.