Waiting

I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m just tired of the fight,
And no longer know what’s right.

Should I stay or should I go
I cannot tell, nor do I know.
‘Accept it and just ride the flow’
It’s not an option… it’s a blow.

In the end I might be running
But I hope I may be learning,
That some flames will not be burning
No matter how strong the yearning.

I’ll be crushed then I’ll be set
You’ll be my greatest regret.
My only hope is to forget
The day we so easily met.

I tell myself to stay and try
To not give in and say goodbye.
The target though was set so high
That it seem like it’s a lie.

I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m so tired of the fight,
I no longer know what’s right.

Advertisements

Inner Demons

5838831_orig

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
They mock and laugh, and then hit back
And easily get back on track.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
They gently brush away my hair
I take a breath but there’s no air.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I shake them off just for an instant
They grab on tight, they are resistant.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I choose to face them feeling stronger,
They smile back and hold me longer.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I’m giving up and slowly fade
Give in, find solace in their shade.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
The demons offer their embrace
I just give in and take my place.

They find me when I’m all alone
And cut me down to the bone.
I’m slowly learning how to die
My silenced eyes no longer cry.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Chains

JaneMerritt-CHAINS

Cascades of shadows envelop me
Creep in and settle with such glee.
They burrow deep inside my heart
And slowly begin their relentless assault.

They invade my mind with such ardor,
Strike and push even harder.
So hard I fight to keep them at bay
I can do nothing, not even pray.

Pray that my soul is left unaffected,
Denying the truth that I feel dejected.
Aware of the pain inflicted each moment,
Unable to feel the need for atonement.

Deserving of this wretched agony
Tears are pouring uncontrollably.
These shadows churn deep inside my head,
And singing that I’m better off dead.

It’s easy to reach for the cute little bottle
For in it lies a hopeless lost battle.
I want to sleep and not feel the pain
That binds me forever just like a chain.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Stupidity

After spending almost half your life on this planet, you would think sound  practical judgment is a natural ability.

After all you are a grown up, you pay bills on time – well, most of the time – take care of a household, children, pets, relationships, etc.

You still make mistakes however – you speed when you shouldn’t, you curse, you cut off someone while driving, you may even throw the occasional middle finger.

Seems reasonable to believe your life is going fairly well, all things considered. Looks like you’re good at this thing called life. You got this.

Once in  a while however you do something dumb. No. Not dumb. Dumb implies an involuntary capacity to know better.

Once in a while you do something stupid. Stupid because you know better, you foresee the consequences of your actions yet you do it anyway.

It’s okay you tell yourself. You are human, of course you’ll make mistakes.

Not when you know better. It’s no longer a mistake or dumb when you know better.

Example:

You have a relationship with someone. You know this person may not love you (even though he says he does), yet you are hopeful that perhaps he does. In the end love doesn’t really matter since you made the decision to go forward with this little exercise.

You have sex with this person. The act itself feels good yet you feel nothing inside, in your heart, where it matters. You know it’s meaningless. As you participate your mind drifts, you wonder when it will be over and you might even be thinking of someone else just so you don’t have to remain in the present. You can’t ask him to stop, after all, you wanted this. You’re hoping you’ll feel something other than relief that it will soon be over.

It’s finished and you hate yourself. You hate yourself for doing it when you knew better. You hate him for not loving you the way you want him to love you. You hate yourself for wanting this in the first place. You hate yourself for initiating it. You hate yourself for allowing it to happen.

But most importantly, you hate yourself for thinking you’d feel loved if you simply had sex.

Then it registers: throughout your life you followed what you thought was a fairly decent compass yet you have no idea where true North lies. Your compass has always been defective.

This single act of willful stupidity has finally made you aware that your tether has snapped and you are floating through life aimlessly.

Congratulations – you are stupid after all!

 

Where I Stand

In case you are wondering where I stand today… yes you, you know who you are…

Your obstacles feed my tenacity. You have strengthened my resolve in ways you can’t even imagine.

No, I am not done. You haven’t even tired me a little.

Untitled

… not today, not tomorrow… NEVER.

Is this clear enough for you?

Better yet… do you think I’m kidding?

 

Answer

Image2

Any questions?