After spending almost half your life on this planet, you would think sound practical judgment is a natural ability.
After all you are a grown up, you pay bills on time – well, most of the time – take care of a household, children, pets, relationships, etc.
You still make mistakes however – you speed when you shouldn’t, you curse, you cut off someone while driving, you may even throw the occasional middle finger.
Seems reasonable to believe your life is going fairly well, all things considered. Looks like you’re good at this thing called life. You got this.
Once in a while however you do something dumb. No. Not dumb. Dumb implies an involuntary capacity to know better.
Once in a while you do something stupid. Stupid because you know better, you foresee the consequences of your actions yet you do it anyway.
It’s okay you tell yourself. You are human, of course you’ll make mistakes.
Not when you know better. It’s no longer a mistake or dumb when you know better.
You have a relationship with someone. You know this person may not love you (even though he says he does), yet you are hopeful that perhaps he does. In the end love doesn’t really matter since you made the decision to go forward with this little exercise.
You have sex with this person. The act itself feels good yet you feel nothing inside, in your heart, where it matters. You know it’s meaningless. As you participate your mind drifts, you wonder when it will be over and you might even be thinking of someone else just so you don’t have to remain in the present. You can’t ask him to stop, after all, you wanted this. You’re hoping you’ll feel something other than relief that it will soon be over.
It’s finished and you hate yourself. You hate yourself for doing it when you knew better. You hate him for not loving you the way you want him to love you. You hate yourself for wanting this in the first place. You hate yourself for initiating it. You hate yourself for allowing it to happen.
But most importantly, you hate yourself for thinking you’d feel loved if you simply had sex.
Then it registers: throughout your life you followed what you thought was a fairly decent compass yet you have no idea where true North lies. Your compass has always been defective.
This single act of willful stupidity has finally made you aware that your tether has snapped and you are floating through life aimlessly.
Congratulations – you are stupid after all!