The Man of Double Deed

by Anonymous

There was a man of double deed,
Who sowed his garden full of seed;

When the seed began to grow,
‘Twas like a garden full of snow;

When the snow began to melt,
‘Twas like a ship without a belt;

When the ship began to sail,
‘Twas like a bird without a tail;

When the bird began to fly,
‘Twas like an eagle in the sky;

When the sky began to roar,
‘Twas like a lion at my door;

When my door began to crack,
‘Twas like a stick across my back;

When my back began to smart,
‘Twas like a penknife in my heart;

And when my heart began to bleed,
‘Twas death, and death, and death indeed.

Roller Coaster

Let’s just say… it has been a very interesting two plus years.

I’d love to say all has been great. It has not. I have struggled. I’ve more than struggled. I’ve wrestled demons stronger than I and I have not come out unscathed. I’ve been standing on the edge of a cliff and this man has held me back from stepping over it. He does not know that he has kept me tethered here. He has paid dearly for my struggle even though the fault does not lie with him. He has paid for someone else’s mistakes. Anyone else would have walked away. Others certainly have. I have lost the best part of him. I have changed him most likely forever.

Even though I have kept on top of my medication I have been declining. About four weeks ago I decided that electroconvulsive therapy might be for me. But while researching this drastic therapy I came across TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and decided to give it a try.

TMS is not covered by my insurance however the local TMS center I have been working with has approved me for treatment based on my income. I am ecstatic.

Treatment is five days a week for six weeks straight. Then twice a week for 2 weeks. I began treatment two weeks ago. It is not taking the easy way out. For me this is drastic. It isn’t easy on my body. Even though the treatment itself takes 3-4 minutes it hurts. I feel tired and my brain is foggy for several hours after the treatment.

I believe, however, that I am seeing results. I am slowly gaining interest in the things I used to love. Like writing and painting. I had lost interest in all things and people. I am slowly gaining it back.

I am hoping to eventually stop the medication I am on. Its side effects are not fun.

So today… for the first time in over two years… I am fairly happy. I can see glimpses of my old self. And her… I like.

It’s a Beautiful Day

I don’t remember what the world looked like before this darkness settled over me. It has made its home inside my head and I cannot evict it.

It is a gorgeous day.  My children are here… yet all I have done is  watch the clock to take them to their father’s so I can consider my options.

I will once again open up my bottle of pills… I will count them. I will calculate how many it takes… then I will contemplate taking them.

It’s barely 1 pm and I am getting sleepy. I know this is my brain’s way of shutting me down when I am about to do something drastic.

The problem is it will happen again.

… and again, and again… until one day it will finally end.

I am exhausted.

My Own Personal Hell

I have not written in a while. I have also not been okay. I have had a medication change – a dopamine uptake – and it has helped tremendously. But it…

My Own Personal Hell

Betrayal

Chains

Cascades of shadows envelop me
Creep in and settle with such glee.
They burrow deep inside my heart
And slowly begin their relentless assault.

They invade my mind with such ardor,
Strike and push even harder.
So hard I fight to keep them at bay
I can do nothing, not even pray.

Pray that my soul is left unaffected,
Denying the truth that I feel dejected.
Aware of the pain inflicted each moment,
Unable to feel the need for atonement.

Deserving of this wretched agony
Tears are pouring uncontrollably.
These shadows churn deep inside my head,
And singing that I’m better off dead.

It’s easy to reach for the cute little bottle
For in it lies a hopeless lost battle.
I want to sleep and not feel the pain
That binds me forever just like a chain.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Moving Forward

Second Chances

Genuine, caring individuals are difficult to find.

You know the ones I’m talking about…

The one person who will stay up with you at night and answer your texts.
The one who will hold you up no matter what.
The one who will listen to you complain about your life, your ex, your mother, or your brother.
The person who listens no matter what, no matter the time and no matter the issue.

The one you run to when you’re down.
The one you never run to when you’re up.
The one who compliments you only to be hit back with “it’s not true.”

The one who tries to pick you up only to be shot down by your insecurities again and again and again.

Yes, these people do exist. I know this because I found one.
An inspiring soul whom I adore and admire.

I found this incredible person and I threw them away…

I over-analyzed and read meaning into every spoken word.
I focused on nothing but the negative.
I didn’t ask what I could do for them.
I pushed this person away again and again and again until they stayed away.

I allowed my insecurities to sabotage a lovely friendship with this person.

You don’t recognize what you’ve done or what you have until it’s too late.
So late that your heart splinters with the realization that no apology is ever enough. Because you have done it again and again.

Apologies are now meaningless.

You hope, however, and pray every single moment of every day that they will forgive your missteps and reach out.

There’s no reason for them to believe your words because your actions have been atrocious.

The best thing that happened to you in a while had enough. And you deserve this dreadful, heart wrenching loss.

Remarkably this person does not believes they are amazing, wonderful, and simply awe-inspiring.

The extraordinarily pure heart they have makes them believe there’s nothing out of the ordinary about them.

I want my person to know that while they may not mean anything to this world, they mean the world to me.

 

Temporary

When you feel broken and alone
The pain hits down to the bone
Get up, fight and try again
Move on up and don’t ask when.

Don’t ask when things will be alright,
Or worry almost half the night.
There are no magic fairy tales
Just an unfair balance of scales.

You will act a little crazy
And work yourself up in a frenzy,
You’ll imagine things unreal
And wonder what it is you feel.

You will find better days ahead
Not only those just filled with dread,
You won’t believe things will get better
But time will make you stronger, greater.

Life will give you ups and downs
Fewer smiles and more frowns.
What you are feeling is so scary
Believe this is all temporary.

Stupidity

After spending almost half your life on this planet, you would think sound  practical judgment is a natural ability.

After all you are a grown up, you pay bills on time – well, most of the time – take care of a household, children, pets, relationships, etc.

You still make mistakes however – you speed when you shouldn’t, you curse, you cut off someone while driving, you may even throw the occasional middle finger.

Seems reasonable to believe your life is going fairly well, all things considered. Looks like you’re good at this thing called life. You got this.

Once in  a while however you do something dumb. No. Not dumb. Dumb implies an involuntary capacity to know better.

Once in a while you do something stupid. Stupid because you know better, you foresee the consequences of your actions yet you do it anyway.

It’s okay you tell yourself. You are human, of course you’ll make mistakes.

Not when you know better. It’s no longer a mistake or dumb when you know better.

Example:

You have a relationship with someone. You know this person may not love you (even though he says he does), yet you are hopeful that perhaps he does. In the end love doesn’t really matter since you made the decision to go forward with this little exercise.

You have sex with this person. The act itself feels good yet you feel nothing inside, in your heart, where it matters. You know it’s meaningless. As you participate your mind drifts, you wonder when it will be over and you might even be thinking of someone else just so you don’t have to remain in the present. You can’t ask him to stop, after all, you wanted this. You’re hoping you’ll feel something other than relief that it will soon be over.

It’s finished and you hate yourself. You hate yourself for doing it when you knew better. You hate him for not loving you the way you want him to love you. You hate yourself for wanting this in the first place. You hate yourself for initiating it. You hate yourself for allowing it to happen.

But most importantly, you hate yourself for thinking you’d feel loved if you simply had sex.

Then it registers: throughout your life you followed what you thought was a fairly decent compass yet you have no idea where true North lies. Your compass has always been defective.

This single act of willful stupidity has finally made you aware that your tether has snapped and you are floating through life aimlessly.

Congratulations – you are stupid after all!