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2014 in Review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Silent Shadows


I’ve stumbled through life, never finding my way
Looked at the world through lenses of grey.
The monsters I claim, from under my bed
Are now nestled tight and close in my head.

They whisper things and have me believe
I’m not here for joy, but only to grieve.
The noise in my head echoes unbroken,
The door to my heart, they left it wide open.

For darkness to crawl in and find a nice place,
Where tears are constant, devoid of all grace.
They filled it with sorrow ingrained in a crown
So heavy to wear, I fight not to drown.

Happiness tries to fight its way in
To find an illusion; constant shadow within.
It turns on the light to chase it away –
The darkness’ assault pulls it quick in the fray.

This shadow my monsters have cast over me,
Keeps me wrapped tight, can’t seem to get free.
The fight to evict them, to push them away
Is silent and vast – can’t keep them at bay.

Shaped by our minds, we become what we think,
They try us or tie us in knots ‘til we sink.
When the candle was lit, my shadow was cast,
With each breath I do ask how much longer I’ll last.

© Copyright 2014 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Win or Lose

Each unseen blow that brings you down
Takes all your breath so you can drown.
You fight and win, or so you think
Each “win” will bring you to the brink.

Hands you can’t see will urge you on,
You’re smart, you feel just like a pawn.
You fight and win, or so you think
Then darkness will give you a wink.

The emptiness you feel is crushing
Feelings of dread come forward, rushing.
You fight and win, or so you think
You’re just a captive in a rink.

Your opponent – slick and cunning
Only for you is always gunning.
You fight and win, or so you think
You’re not the chain, only the link.

Loneliness, your greatest friend
Just strength forcing your will to bend.
You fight and win, or so you think
Your joy all gone in just a blink.

Your isolation has gained wings
Only to hold you tight in strings.
You fight and win, or so you think
But all you want to do is drink.

A deathcup – sip and go to sleep
But know the price is way too steep.
To stop the voices just give in,
Just know:
For all your fight, that’s not a win.

© Copyright 2014 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.


Uncertainty and Resentment



A veil of darkness slowly enveloped my heart
My eyes no longer saw light but only black art.
Rambling thoughts churned mercilessly, endlessly
Oddly, this darkness showed glimpses of serenity.

Suddenly peace embraced my heart and my soul
All was right with the world, no more black hole.
I felt consoled knowing all would be right
I had no regrets, no fear, all was alright.

Gathering myself I asked for your arrival
‘Later in the evening’ was the welcome answer.
I felt relief, I needed to be free of you
Freedom was close, the day belonged to me.

Tranquility I felt at your hasty departure
In a split second my troubled fate was decided.
I stood and I asked if this was the right choice
‘Hurry and do it, you’ll be fine’ said a voice.

I reached over for the sweet intoxicating abyss
And stared, still thinking ‘can I really do this?’
I counted them in my hand over and over,
Each count a decision made, bringing me closer.

They slowly reached my lips and there they stayed
Until they began to melt and the decision was made.
‘Have courage take a quick drink and be done with it,
Too late now anyway, sleep and dream of this gift.’

I closed my eyes and felt sweet, long lost content
Thoughts, feelings, torment, tears were not felt.
The desire to sleep, sleep forever was strong
Like a long lost friend found, nothing felt wrong.

A frightened voice broke through my happy silence,
‘What have you done?’ it screamed breaking my solace.
I wanted to peacefully sleep; I felt nothing but malice.
Through the fog my thoughts screamed ‘you are so callous.’

You brought me back through sheer determination
I still don’t know if I’m happy; I don’t feel elation.
I strangely miss that feeling of contentment
I want to be grateful to you; instead I feel only resentment.

© Copyright 2014 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Visions of Me




You look at me and what you see
Is different from my view of me.
I see a girl who doesn’t think
She tries enough. Not swim but sink.

You see me as the greatest mother
Who works her hardest, can’t be better.
I see a mom who hasn’t fought
Her hardest is just not enough.

You see a pretty girl who’s great
Who makes you laugh, the perfect mate.
I see a girl who’s full of doubt
Pretty she’s not, inside or out.

You call me beautiful, amazing
Your confidence in me is blazing.
I am unsure of everything – of me.
I don’t feel free, I’m lost at sea.

They say that life has ups and downs
You’re always up, I’m full of frowns.
I’m always hopeless, see all dark
But you can always find a path.

I often wonder how you found me
The girl who is forever gloomy.
You’re happy and so full of life
All I can see is afterlife.

You try so hard to make me see
My worth and not my agony.
You don’t give up but I’m afraid
One day you’ll say, ‘I have been swayed.’

I’ll never know how you can see
The pretty girl inside of me.
I don’t deserve someone like you
Who loves me so wholeheartedly.