Let’s just say… it has been a very interesting two plus years.
I’d love to say all has been great. It has not. I have struggled. I’ve more than struggled. I’ve wrestled demons stronger than I and I have not come out unscathed. I’ve been standing on the edge of a cliff and this man has held me back from stepping over it. He does not know that he has kept me tethered here. He has paid dearly for my struggle even though the fault does not lie with him. He has paid for someone else’s mistakes. Anyone else would have walked away. Others certainly have. I have lost the best part of him. I have changed him most likely forever.
Even though I have kept on top of my medication I have been declining. About four weeks ago I decided that electroconvulsive therapy might be for me. But while researching this drastic therapy I came across TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and decided to give it a try.
TMS is not covered by my insurance however the local TMS center I have been working with has approved me for treatment based on my income. I am ecstatic.
Treatment is five days a week for six weeks straight. Then twice a week for 2 weeks. I began treatment two weeks ago. It is not taking the easy way out. For me this is drastic. It isn’t easy on my body. Even though the treatment itself takes 3-4 minutes it hurts. I feel tired and my brain is foggy for several hours after the treatment.
I believe, however, that I am seeing results. I am slowly gaining interest in the things I used to love. Like writing and painting. I had lost interest in all things and people. I am slowly gaining it back.
I am hoping to eventually stop the medication I am on. Its side effects are not fun.
So today… for the first time in over two years… I am fairly happy. I can see glimpses of my old self. And her… I like.
Satisfyingly Complicated 