Letting Go

You’ve become a stranger brought forth
Whose silence makes me question my worth,
I deserve your disdain and questioning ways
The pain that I caused governs all of my days.

I ask myself every day to stop trying,
But the thought makes it feel like I’m dying.
I reach for your hand as the end rushes near
To find nothing but air, now it’s perfectly clear.

I don’t want to give up, walk away and forget
But I’m trying to breathe through all the regret.
I re-read how it was and the love that I felt
Now making the best of the hand that I’ve dealt.

I have to let go or I’ll drown in this grief;
This enveloping sorrow I hope will be brief
I’ll smile and lie and say ‘I’m alright”
Hoping the tears will stop if I keep it inside.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

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Waiting

I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m just tired of the fight,
And no longer know what’s right.

Should I stay or should I go
I cannot tell, nor do I know.
‘Accept it and just ride the flow’
It’s not an option… it’s a blow.

In the end I might be running
But I hope I may be learning,
That some flames will not be burning
No matter how strong the yearning.

I’ll be crushed then I’ll be set
You’ll be my greatest regret.
My only hope is to forget
The day we so easily met.

I tell myself to stay and try
To not give in and say goodbye.
The target though was set so high
That it seem like it’s a lie.

I wait and wait without an end in sight.
I pull and want with all my might.
But I’m so tired of the fight,
I no longer know what’s right.

Why

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The great, unshakeable and unending question… Why?

Why did she do it?
Why would she do it?
Why did she do it to him?
Why did she do it when she said she loved him?

Why, why… WHY? Why would she cheat?

This wasn’t an easy question to answer. The answer wasn’t glaringly obvious.

She deeply loved the man she cheated on. The fact is she didn’t know how much she loved him until she saw the effects of her actions on his heart and the pain in his eyes.

So back to the question at hand. Why…

– Background (not excuses):

Shortly before her fall, she discovered her husband cheated on her. She was loyal, trusting and in love for the entirety of her long marriage. She thought she was happy.

In retrospect… it was an unhealthy marriage.

She was devastated and crushed by the deep betrayal inflicted by her now ex-husband. She grudgingly picked up the pieces of her emaciated life, took a chance and began talking to other singles.

She was astounded to find that not only did she receive attention from men… she received a lot of it.

Attention from men her age.
Attention from older men.
And…
Attention from younger men; which was frankly bewildering.

Why was this so surprising?

The answer was simple. Her insecurities were so apparent that she couldn’t see three tiny, insignificant steps in front of her without tripping over each and every one.

But she relished the attention.
She went out. She had fun.

She did not want another heartbreak. She wasn’t ready for any type of relationship.
She decided the best thing to do is find a “fuck buddy.”
Yes… a fuck buddy.

Someone she’d have fun with where no feelings were involved.

She had no feelings. She didn’t want… feelings.
Feelings shattered, drowned and suffocated her.

She was very good at one thing – flirting.
She was an expert at it. She could turn any comment into the biggest sexual innuendo.
She knew this and she liked it.
She flirted throughout her marriage and it wasn’t a problem.
So she flirted with anyone. With anyone but him… at first.

She justified flirting by saying that if intent behind it didn’t exist, it wasn’t a problem. Others disagreed.

Him (the man she cheated with) –

He intimidated her. She didn’t know why but she was intimidated, yet somewhat captivated.
It wasn’t his looks or his supposed success.

She never found out what it was about him. But there had been… something.

He tried to lure her out. To meet him. She resisted, but the flirting and the tepid tension continued. She knew she was on dangerous ground but she stumbled her way through their conversations.

Whenever the conversation turned to sex, she at first participated. But she quickly found herself against someone she couldn’t take on, so she tried to steered it away.
Eventually she succeeded in reducing the sex talk. Yet she felt manipulated with every word he spoke.

She began believing he simply needed a friend.
He disagreed. He told her again and again that he was an “asshole.”
She agreed yet continued to be captivated and continued to push for a simple friendship.

  • When people tell you they are assholes, believe them. This is a lesson she learned the hard way. –

He finally convinced her to meet. She did. Nothing happened. They simply talked. He seemed to like her. She felt indifferent. He was just another guy and not as intimidating as she first thought.

And there it was. She was right all along… he WAS a nice guy after all.

The friendship continued; the “friendship” – as she saw it.

How wrong she was…

They spoke often and he backed off. No more sex talk. She felt no pressure and somewhat safe.
Deep down she didn’t believe it, but she convinced herself he was only a friend.

Things changed when he began questioning to whom she was talking and why. He began making unreasonable demands on her time, using the “friendship” as a bargaining tool.

IF you truly care like you say, you’ll call me now.” Ignore that it may have been three a.m.
I am having a mental breakdown, I need you.” Ignore that she was on a date with someone.
You said you’d be here for me, why aren’t you now.” Ignore that she may have been in a doctor’s office.

She felt compelled to call or run to him. After all, it’s what supporting friends do. Friends are there for each other. No matter what.

The man she loved (the man she cheated on) –

It began as simple fun. Someone to talk to.
No pressure. No expectations.
Someone to make her forget her home life; her heartache.
Someone who made her smile.
Someone who was willing to simply talk to her and not have expectations of her.

And then she met this man in person…

He was sweet.
He was nice.
It was pressure free.

When they said goodbye, she received a hug that fractured all her defenses. It touched her soul.
He hugged her. He simply hugged her and held her tight. And she melted.

She got in her car and burst into tears. Uncontrollable, unending tears.

She realized his hug felt like “home.”
THIS terrified her.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.
She wasn’t supposed to have feelings.
She wanted fun.
She wanted a fuck buddy.

Didn’t she?

Him (the man she cheated with) –

The emotional, yet tumultuous connection she felt with him continued. He pulled her in and pushed her away but throughout it all she stayed.

She pushed away and he pulled her back; she stayed.

She believed she was a “friend.” Her warped mind believed this was a friendship.

The man she loved (the man she cheated on) –

The more they spoke and spent time together, she more she liked him. He despised the other man (her “friend”) for the way he treated her and asked her to sever all connections with him.

She listened for a while and had no contact with the other man. After all, “he” had pushed her away. It was easy to stay away.

But then he came back.

She still believed she could have a normal, typical friendship with “him.”
She couldn’t comprehend why “the man she loved” didn’t understand that theirs was a simple friendship.

Why couldn’t she have her friend and her relationship?

Him (the man she cheated with) –

In the end it didn’t matter. He came back again and she allowed it. Eventually she gave in and met him more… intimately…

Her –

… and cheated on the man she truly loved.

Yes she was emotionally attached, but she felt no connection to the man she cheated with. Not the kind she felt with the man she loved. Not at all.

Yet she cheated on him.
On the man she wanted.
On the man she loved.
On the man she was falling for.

So…

Why? –

Why did she cheat on the man she was falling in love with?
Why did she cheat with a man she had no feelings for?

Perhaps the answers are foolish, laughable, senseless but here they are:

She felt a lack of emotional support and reciprocation from the man she loved.
She craved affection; that’s all she wanted – affection. He was giving it, just not enough of it.
It wasn’t his fault.

She lacked confidence and that led to her looking for validation through the other man. It wasn’t real validation, but an unsatisfying and temporary feeling. A feeling of what? She didn’t know. Just a feeling…

HER perception of this situation:

She didn’t believe someone could fall for her.
She didn’t believe the man she loved truly loved her back.
And most of all: she couldn’t comprehend what he saw in her or why?

She was no one.
She was nothing.
She wasn’t pretty.
She wasn’t smart.

What did he want? And why did he want it?

She constantly waited for the other shoe to drop.

The man she loved was going to eventually leave.
He was going to eventually hurt her.
He was going to eventually break her heart.
He was going to eventually shatter her.
Shatter her in a way where there were no pieces left to pick up and glue back together.

After all, her husband had. Why would this “stranger” not do the very same thing?

She buried her own feelings, and began to believe her own head.
She knew better. She had a favorite expression – “head fucking.”

Most of the time she could easily distinguish between the “real” and “imagined.” But feelings are sometimes difficult to decipher.

It wasn’t thrilling for her.
She had no feelings for the other man. She didn’t want him.
She wanted it in fact, to end. So when he’d push her away, she felt relief because perhaps, this time, he would be gone for good. Maybe this time, he wouldn’t pull her back.

She didn’t have the strength to tell him to fuck off as she’d been asked to do. She should have. She was an adult, not a child.

Why didn’t she have it in her to do this? To end the head games?

She didn’t know why. She believed she was needed. Needed to be a true friend in this man’s fucked up life. She developed a false emotional attachment to this man that she didn’t want.

She was stupid and naive.

The Man She Loved (the man she cheated on) –

It wasn’t until she saw the hurt in his eyes and felt the pain he felt in his heart that she realized the devastating depth of the consequences of her actions.

She hurt the most beautiful soul she met.
The person who, she later realized, had real feelings for her.

And again…

Why?

She felt empty.
She didn’t FEEL loved.
She didn’t see his love.
She needed affection.
She thought he would hurt her first.
She was scared, weak and spineless.

The decision to abuse his trust was thoughtless. She couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate with the one person who loved her.

Cheating was a result of her own, internal fractures. It was an attempt to satiate her insecurities; her self-doubt which was temporarily and falsely validated by seeing the other man.

It wasn’t the man she loved. He did nothing wrong. He did everything right; perhaps not enough of it.

The fault lies with her and her alone. She is aware of this and prays every day that the man she loves will eventually forgive her.

He was… he is enough; he is perfect in every way.

The flaws lie within her.

______________________

Love isn’t iron clad but fluid.

People who love each other, often hurt each other the most.

Love comes with affection, but they can be separate. Society has gone to great lengths to define and paint a pretty picture of “soul mates.” That is a great concept, but humans are flawed.

Cheating was a result of a lack of openness and understanding of the man she loved. She lacked something within herself that she thought she could fulfill outside of her relationship.

If only she could have been brave enough to communicate with the man she loved. If only she had been wise enough to ask for more openness and affection.

Now she is in an almost impossible situation. To prove to the man she loves that she will never do this again. She means it… she doesn’t know how to make him see it.

She isn’t giving up. She will prove to him that she is worth another chance. A chance she will not waste or take for granted.

She IS the woman he thought she was. That she will give him her all. She just wants the chance to prove it.

Inner Demons

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I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
They mock and laugh, and then hit back
And easily get back on track.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
They gently brush away my hair
I take a breath but there’s no air.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I shake them off just for an instant
They grab on tight, they are resistant.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I choose to face them feeling stronger,
They smile back and hold me longer.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
I’m giving up and slowly fade
Give in, find solace in their shade.

I’m building walls they have to climb,
Push them away time after time.
The demons offer their embrace
I just give in and take my place.

They find me when I’m all alone
And cut me down to the bone.
I’m slowly learning how to die
My silenced eyes no longer cry.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Chains

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Cascades of shadows envelop me
Creep in and settle with such glee.
They burrow deep inside my heart
And slowly begin their relentless assault.

They invade my mind with such ardor,
Strike and push even harder.
So hard I fight to keep them at bay
I can do nothing, not even pray.

Pray that my soul is left unaffected,
Denying the truth that I feel dejected.
Aware of the pain inflicted each moment,
Unable to feel the need for atonement.

Deserving of this wretched agony
Tears are pouring uncontrollably.
These shadows churn deep inside my head,
And singing that I’m better off dead.

It’s easy to reach for the cute little bottle
For in it lies a hopeless lost battle.
I want to sleep and not feel the pain
That binds me forever just like a chain.

© Copyright 2018 Olivia G. Owens. All rights reserved.

Stupidity

After spending almost half your life on this planet, you would think sound  practical judgment is a natural ability.

After all you are a grown up, you pay bills on time – well, most of the time – take care of a household, children, pets, relationships, etc.

You still make mistakes however – you speed when you shouldn’t, you curse, you cut off someone while driving, you may even throw the occasional middle finger.

Seems reasonable to believe your life is going fairly well, all things considered. Looks like you’re good at this thing called life. You got this.

Once in  a while however you do something dumb. No. Not dumb. Dumb implies an involuntary capacity to know better.

Once in a while you do something stupid. Stupid because you know better, you foresee the consequences of your actions yet you do it anyway.

It’s okay you tell yourself. You are human, of course you’ll make mistakes.

Not when you know better. It’s no longer a mistake or dumb when you know better.

Example:

You have a relationship with someone. You know this person may not love you (even though he says he does), yet you are hopeful that perhaps he does. In the end love doesn’t really matter since you made the decision to go forward with this little exercise.

You have sex with this person. The act itself feels good yet you feel nothing inside, in your heart, where it matters. You know it’s meaningless. As you participate your mind drifts, you wonder when it will be over and you might even be thinking of someone else just so you don’t have to remain in the present. You can’t ask him to stop, after all, you wanted this. You’re hoping you’ll feel something other than relief that it will soon be over.

It’s finished and you hate yourself. You hate yourself for doing it when you knew better. You hate him for not loving you the way you want him to love you. You hate yourself for wanting this in the first place. You hate yourself for initiating it. You hate yourself for allowing it to happen.

But most importantly, you hate yourself for thinking you’d feel loved if you simply had sex.

Then it registers: throughout your life you followed what you thought was a fairly decent compass yet you have no idea where true North lies. Your compass has always been defective.

This single act of willful stupidity has finally made you aware that your tether has snapped and you are floating through life aimlessly.

Congratulations – you are stupid after all!